is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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