i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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