he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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