I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
