it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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