yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
