you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
