highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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