Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
