he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i now understand why vodka
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
