Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
