i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
