I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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