today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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