Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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