ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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