And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can I color on your dick again?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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