You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
