Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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