i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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