just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
