so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize