Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My vagina just clenched in fear
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
