if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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