I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
