I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
