I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
