i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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