so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize