pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
