So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
