I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
