i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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