HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
