Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
