Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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