good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
