dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
