Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
