Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
