Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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