I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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