It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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