I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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