laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
