I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
