I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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