Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
