I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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