it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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