Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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