my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
