oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
