I can text with my tongue
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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