I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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