I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
